For this review, Digital Press will be employing its
latest acquisition: The Digital Press 3000 Sarcasm Generator. This fantastic futuristic
device can answer any questions you have, dripping with gooey sarcasm. It's an amazing
piece of technology, and we have decided to conduct the first real test on the machine
while discussing the 32X video game Tempo.
Interviewer: Hi Digital Press 3000 Sarcasm Generator.
DP 3000 SG: Hello, human.
I: So, here we're playing the game Tempo by Sega for the 32X.
DP 3000 SG: Yes, we are. It's a fantastic game with an excellent lead character.
I: Could that have been the first piece of sarcasm from you DP 3000?
DP 3000 SG: You would be correct intelligent being.
I: Uh, yeah, I'm intelligent, but we already knew… oh, never mind. Anyway, so what
about this game strikes you as quality?
DP 3000 SG: Everything. It seems as if the developers cared so much, they included a
fantastic rap song to start the game!
I: So, is there anything about the game you don't like?
DP 3000 SG: Oh no, everything about this game screams perfection.
I: Did you feel a connection between yourself and the main character?
DP 3000 SG: Totally. Here's a music-loving cricket according to the instruction book, yet
he looks perfectly human on the box art. I can relate to that, and I'm an oversized
computer!
I: Now, the animation in Tempo is actually very special. It's probably some of
the best on the 32X, and I think we can both agree on that, but how did you feel about the
enemies?
DP 3000 SG: They're wonderful. They're very kind, polite enough to stand around
and do nothing as they're approached by their arch nemesis and then take a kick to the
face as a real well designed enemy should!
I: I'm glad to see we covered that, but you also stated before the interview was conducted
that you found the game difficult. If that's the case, how is it hard if the enemies stand
around?
DP 3000 SG: Well, it's the brilliant level design. By putting enemies in impossible-to-see
places, they have made the game worth any gamer's money since you'll never be able to
finish it legitimately. In addition, since Tempo is in no hurry to actually complete his
task, it's almost impossible to dodge any of the enemies that DO move. It's pure
brilliance.
I: How did you feel about the music?
DP 3000 SG: Though I specialize in sarcasm, I also understand irony and I'm fluent in more
than 1 million forms of communication. The irony with Tempo is that for a game derived
from a plot about stolen music, the music is terrible!
I: That is quite ironic and I'd swear I met a robot once that could speak that many
languages. Weird, and I'm glad you're not just limited to sarcasm. Do you feel Tempo
deserved a sequel?
DP 3000 SG: Oh yes. He deserves a sequel and he should star alongside Radical Rex,
Rocky Rodent, Awesome Possum, and Bubsy in a five-player co-operative
platforming melee!
I: I can see you wasted no time in moving back to sarcasm.
DP 3000 SG: You're very observant, human.
I: Why thank y… oh, you did it again. Did you enjoy the graphics in Tempo?
Do you feel it pushed the 32X to its absolute limits?
DP 3000 SG: Since that Hamster
game never made it out, I think you and I can agree that we'll never truly know the
console's true power, but Tempo pushes the 32X hard, even more than those Acclaim
ports from the Genesis.
I: Do you feel any other consoles could handle Tempo?
DP 3000 SG: The Xbox 360 kneels in fear before this game.
I: Did you find Tempo easy to control?
DP 3000 SG: Completely. I love pressing a button and watching my kick sail clear through
the enemy. That's just great hit detection, at least when I could get the kick off.
I: Is there anything else you feel out readers should know about this 32X title?
DP 3000 SG: They should be aware that by not playing Tempo, they're doing a great
disservice to themselves. This is one of those pinnacles of video gaming, and its games
like this that kept the 32X off Wal-Mart's clearance racks for an extra four hours.
