4:35 a.m.: We enter what must be the world's worst arcade, containing exactly two games: Pac-Man and Ms. Pac-Man. Pac-Man is set on free play. Ms. Pac-Man requires three Famicom-esque cartridges, which are found throughout Pac-Land.
I have a confession to make, which may or may not negate any video game criticism I give now or in the future, and I believe this may be the first time I've publicly 'fessed up to it:
I don't like the original Pac-Man, or any of its spin-offs. I understand its appeal. I understand its history, its significance, and its value. I do not, however, understand why it's still considered fun. I find the absolute lack of variety to be tedious. I've never gotten farther than level five or so, simply because I never cared to try. Pac-Man failed to grab me, and it never will.
So in telling you how accurate this particular port is, I'm happy to report that it's boring as hell, and therefore probably close to the original.
5:01 p.m.: As the sun begins to peek out from a mountain miles beyond my window, and just as I realize that approaching 24 hours without sleep has caused even the most simple of sentences to take upwards of five minutes to write, Pac-Man and I find an empty bottle at the neighborhood farm, perfectly suitable for holding milk. I'm so overcome with joy that I launch a rock with maximum velocity towards the raven overhead.
Its immediate reaction is to attack Pac-Man where he stands, effectively knocking the milk bottle off of the sign and within reach.
After the raven flies away in disgust, Pac-Man notices the bottle. He then, without prompting, fills it with this conveniently-placed cow's sweet, nourishing utter juice, before celebrating his victory.
This, and this alone, is the solution to the first level of the game. That's it. In order to advance to the next stage, all that the game requires of you is to walk to the farm, shoot the raven, and return home.
Why am I telling you this? What is the point of me holding your hand and guiding you through the first level?
I'm tired as hell. I'm going to make a pot of coffee. After that, you and I are going to sit down and have a nice, long discussion, and I'm going to try my damndest to give this game the justice it deserves.
