Myst Saturn
Review by Jeff   Adventure/Puzzle

This review won second place in our "DP Game Review" Contest in 7/2002.
50 Things I'd Rather Do Than Play Myst on the Sega Saturn

1. Stand up, hold my left ankle over my right knee, and shout "I'm number four! I'm number four!"
2. Stare at the sun until I go completely blind.
3. Make a tape recording of myself repeating the phrase "Yes, Michael". Play the tape in my car and say things like "KITT, make a left turn here."
4. Auction a postage stamp on EBAY; demand the winner pay for postage.
5. Write down the phone number of everyone named "Michael Jackson" in the phone book; call each number and ask for Bubbles.
6. Pour salt in one eye and vinegar in the other; determine which hurts more.
7. Order Coke in a restaurant; if the waitress asks if Pepsi is okay, cry out "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME!"
8. Go to a hardware store wearing a hockey mask and ask to see the chainsaws.
9. Go to a toy store and try to purchase a Monopoly game using Monopoly money.
10. Get together with some of my long-haired friends and try to book a gig as "Kansas".
11. Spin in a circle 100 times and try to drive to WaWa.
12. Put a sticky note on every object in my house, identifying its purpose.
13. Try to flush myself down the toilet.
14. Post "Missing: Reward" signs all over the neighborhood for my pet goldfish; indicate "He needs his medication."
15. Drive a Mister Softee truck around slowly, but never stop.
16. Watch "Mister Rogers" every day and record a log of his activities.
17. Ask a Gamestop employee why X-box games won't work on the Gamecube; make him explain it over and over.
18. Call all my old phone numbers and ask to speak to myself.
19. Microwave a Tasty-cake for six hours.
20. Paint the grass in my front yard green.
21. Go to Wal-Mart and ask to see the manager; when he/she comes, pick up a stick of gum and ask "How much does this cost?"
22. Call my credit card company. Wait to get someone on the line. Wait for the person to ask for my account number. Say "Hold please", then set the telephone down next to my radio for twenty minutes.
23. Handcuff myself and find out which everyday tasks I can still perform.
24. Write a check by holding a pen between my teeth. Stick the check up my ass. Go to the bank and try to cash the check. When they refuse, ask "Do you mean my mouth just wrote a check that my ass can't cash?"
25. Bury a few household objects in the backyard; tell my wife "I don't know where that went" when she notices something missing.
26. Go to the blood bank, slam my head against the counter, say "I'd like to make a deposit."
27. Buy a box of Milk Duds at a video store and ask when it's due back.
28. Cry.
29. Call 4-11 and shout "Oh my God! He's trying to kill me!"
30. Go to an AA meeting and tell everyone my car broke down on 206.
31. Buy milk at K-Mart, return it a month later; ask "What are you trying to pull here? "
32. Put all those so-called "flammable" household items to the test.
33. Randomly knock on doors; when someone answers, repeatedly shout out "Woo!" like Ric Flair.
34. Get a haircut, insist on keeping the hair in a bag. Later on, return with the bag and demand a refund.
35. Try my darndest to get struck by lightning.
36. Glue my mailbox shut.
37. Randomly call numbers from the phone book and demand "Who dis?!"
38. Try turning on every electrical appliance in my house using only my forehead.
39. Wonder what the actor who played Carmine, the "Big Ragu", on Laverne & Shirley is doing right this second.
40. Create a flag that will represent my own nation.
41. Pick up the controller without turning on the Saturn and just pretend.
42. Try to bring a chicken back to life using only Chicken McNuggets and paste.
43. See how many paper clips I can swallow before I feel like I have to go to the emergency room.
44. Get angry and riled up about a political issue that actually means very little to me.
45. Smile at strangers and ask, "Do you recognize me?" If the stranger does mistake me for someone they actually know, grab the person by the collar and whisper "I got some advice for you; don't ever fuck with my family again", then abruptly leave.
46. Start a campaign to get "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo" on DVD.
47. Replace the fine coffee I usually serve with Folger's Crystals.
48. Have a "Hangers Only" yard sale.
49. Submerge various household appliances in water and see what still works.
50. Write a list of 50 things I'd rather do than play Myst on the Sega Saturn.

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Last updated: Sunday, June 08, 2003 12:00 AM