Answer 1: When the title is written wrong on the instruction book.

Such is the case with Earth Defense (or is it "The Earth Defend" as on the instruction book AND the title screen?). Released by Realtec without Sega's stamp of approval, this pathetic excuse for an overhead shooter shows why this genre has died a slow, sorrowful death in our hobby.

Taking a line from the instruction book (or is it a pamphlet? It folds out like one) "Space creatures from another galaxy have invaded Earth and waged a war with the troops of the united nations." This brings us to question #2.

Question 2: How else can you tell that the video game you purchased is a dud before you even put it into your console?

Answer: When the story inside the instruction book states that "space creatures from another galaxy have invaded Earth."

Anyway, Earth Defense takes players through "Five colossal, awesome, fantastic levels of shooting, bombing, and total destruction!" Sorry, couldn't resist. That's on the back of the box. There's only one statement that's true in that quote and that's the colossal levels part. The stages are ridiculously long, filled with idiotic ship patterns that repeat every 10 seconds. You can bring a friend along to join you in your quest simultaneously "to climb into the Phoenix Spitfire's cockpit and courageously come to the Earth's Defense!" Doing so however causes the game to slow down to unbearable levels, making these "colossal" things even longer. And yes, your ship is named the Phoenix Spitfire...

Question 3: What's yet another way to tell if the video game you purchased is bad before you even put it into your console?

Answer: When the ship is titled the "Phoenix Spitfire" on the back of the box.

Not only could most of the ship designs be drawn by an eight year old (just wait until you see the flying umbrellas!), but the majority of the game could've been handled by the Master System. The music is admittedly catchy at times, but does not belong in a what is supposed to be a fast paced shooter.

The power-up system is generic, the enemies are designed by an eight year old, the music is corny, the cover art is drawn by colored pencils, the title screen is worded wrong, and the story is unintentionally funny. This brings us to our final question.

Question 4: What else can tell you if a game is bad before you even put it into your console?

Answer: When the title is Earth Defense.