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The first nominee for sexiest game character is Princess Toadstool from Super Mario Brothers 2 (When she's close to death and has reverted to midget mode, of course). There's just something about her perfect 10-10-63 measurements that drives NES players mad with passion. I still remember the time our last Nintendo party turned into a topless game of truth and dare after too much exposure to Princess Toadstool's alluring floating moves. Our neighbors called the cops again, and we ended up spending the night in jail. The next six months were spent with a court appointed therapist. He was pretty weird, and during most of our sessions, we dressed up in pink gowns and tried to levitate. Later we found out he wasn't licensed, and may have only been an escaped mental patient. |  |
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The second nominee is the Dark Queen from Battletoads. She was really hot, but she was evil and spent most of her time trying to kill the toads Zitz, Rash, and Pimple. I'm not sure if it was intended, but this seemed like of a metaphorical interpretation of the young life of an undersexed Nintendo nerd. We didn't get to see much of her because Battletoads is so ridiculously hard, and after days of swearing at the Nintendo, even the slow witted kids realized they could get laid hundreds of times if they put as much effort into it as they did into Battletoads. Of course, they probably wouldn't find any chicks as hot as the Dark Queen. And getting a glimpse of her after beating a game is a lot better reward than, "Congratulation! Level Design by Yuki's Papa! Produce Support by N. Takamura. Fishman. Thankyou for playing." |
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Look out ladies! The third nominee is Matt Alderman, who made his modelling debut in Nintendo Power Volume 28. Although technically not a game character, he did work as a Phone Game Counselor, and it's hard to deny he's one of Nintendo's sexiest stars. In his fascinating profile, we learn about his love for the martial arts, sports, and video games, as well as his triumphant story about being the first Game Play Counselor to beat Little Nemo. So when he's done impressing you with his sports and Little Nemo skills, he can kick your ass! I'd hate to be the Nintendo Power mail sorter when this superstar's fan mail came pouring in! Rumor has it he is now a crotch model, and a part-time extra on Baywatch. Also, look for his year 2000 pin-up calendar soon! I hear in December, he's only wearing a Gameboy. Start your engines. |
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When I think of all the sexy swimsuit posters my Dad hung in the garage, the ones that stood out in my mind the most were the ones of the fourth nominee, Lola. She's pink and round with no visible gender difference from a beachball other than her bow, and it baffles me why I want her so much. I've planned out dates where we walk slowly on the candlelit beach, sipping red wine and reading poetry. Then when the time is right, I bounce her against a wall until the sun comes up. I think my obsession with barely female spherical characters in bows started when I made out with a girl against a Ms. Pac Man game as a kid. Actually, there was no girl there, and I was just licking up the milkshake I spilled on the screen. But the psychological impact was there, I'm sure. |
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The fifth nominee is the Keymaker from Faxanadu. His pouty expressions and bad boy attitude made him a middle school locker sex symbol overnight. I still haven't been able to beat Faxanadu since I spend most of my time shopping for keys, and trying to get him to notice me by hopping around and swinging my fists in the air. But I can't even get his phone number. When he was once asked about how he felt about being an international sex symbol he said, "*Cough!* *Cough!* I got keys. You gonna buy somethin', or just hop around like the other fags that come in here? *Cough!*" |  |
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After a drunken night of introspection, I decided to go against the judges' decision of Animal Magnetism Matt Alderman, and go out on my own to declare the Dark Queen the winner. I just thought she was the only character nominated because of their attractiveness and not as a result of some sort of sick psychosis I might have. Some of the judges said her hair was too big, some thought the leather was slutty, and one judge had bad memories of her picture being taped to the back of his head in prison. But since I'm basically in charge, and I was the one who taped the picture there, I say the Dark Queen wins. Let's see if you can keep your hands out of your pants long enough to hear her acceptance speech via satellite. |  |
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"Ha ha ha! This will be the last award you ever give, Seanbaby! Or did you think I wouldn't notice that you never called? Maybe this orbital death cannon will remind you not to leave in the middle of the night without even saying goodbye! No one does that to the Dark Queen and lives! Prepare to die, you impassionate blue haired freak!" |
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"I think there's a lot of things I should have mentioned before I gave this award. But that was years ago. I thought for sure she would have forgotten about it. And I honestly only left because she kept trying to kill me. Hh. I guess I always knew I would go out because of some angry ex-girlfriend's satellite laser gun. I just never thought it would be when I was so young. I... love you..." |
*sniff* Return to what's left of the NES Congratulation! Awards. *sob*
