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“Seriously dude, I heard the Princess gets buck-assed
naked if you win,” Roger swore.
We turned our attention back to the “Dragon’s Lair” game
that they were setting up in our local arcade. Princess Daphne was squealing in
terror and clutching her chest as the attract mode played on. Roger had that
gleam in his eyes.
According to legend being discussed amongst the hormonally
charged youth of 1983, if you won the game and killed the dragon, Daphne “popped
out” of her sheer gauze nightie and you could see everything. Roger was
determined to see some animated videogame boobies.
Keep in mind, after all, this was 1983 and we were years
away from the pneumatic charms of Lara Croft and the Dead or Alive volleyball
players. The hottest thing in arcades was imagining what Pauline from “Donkey
Kong” might have on underneath her calico dress.
My buddy Roger, God love ‘im, was a perv when we were
growing up. While the rest of us were trying to catch a glimpse of something
in the bra section of the Sears catalog, Roger had his own subscription to
Playboy. So the rumored disrobing of Daphne was something he was determined to
prove or disprove.
Roger skipped school for an entire week, just so he could
hone his DL-playing skills at the mall arcade without interruption. Since we
didn’t have the Internet back then, you couldn’t very well look up the
walkthrough for the game. So, Roger learned every move, every button push, and
every timed response via trial-and-error. He became the local “Dragon’s Lair”
savant.
At the end of that week, he had that game DOWN. At his
best, some of his favorite DL stunts included:
* Playing through the entire game, without a mistake, on
one Dirk.
* He had the timing of some of the sequences so ingrained
that he could play through them WITH HIS EYES CLOSED, using only the sound
effects as his cues.
* He once played until he got to the Lair scene, trying to
draw a huge crowd around the game. Once Daphne began talking, he muttered “Meh,
I’m bored,” and walked away to play “Satan‘s Hollow,” leaving the 400 people
watching him complete aghast.
* Sometimes, he’d get to the Lair scene and, while
maneuvering through it, would turn to a small child watching nearby. He’d ask,
“Wanna kill the dragon?” When it was time for that final, game-ending
Sword-button push, he’d have the kid do it. That child could then spend the rest
of the day bragging that he was the one who killed Singe.
Anyway, I was with Roger that Saturday night when he
finally got to the Lair for the first time. As Daphne explained about the key
and that “the dragon keeps it around his neck,” I stole a glance at Roger. Yup,
he was staring at her animated buttcheeks. He was more than convinced that those
nudity rumors were correct.
After several attempts in front of a crowd (numbering in
the low zillions), Roger got Dirk to hurl his sword into Singe’s chest and the
dragon fell to the ground. The crowd cheered as Daphne leaped into Dirk’s arms,
and Roger elbowed me in the chest, his eyes glued to the screen.
Daphne kissed Dirk on the cheek.
A heart appeared around them.
Game over.
Attract mode began.
The crowd wandered off to play “Pengo” or “Hat Trick,”
while Roger stood there dumbfounded. Before we left, he made sure to ask the
manager whether the laserdisc player was working properly. (It was.) The rumor
put to rest, his quest had ended.
I’ve lost touch with Roger over the years, but last I heard
he’s still questing for hidden videogame nakedness. Go online and you may see
his name on some of the message boards. He’s the one asking for the “Tomb
Raider” nudity code.
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